


[Desire]

by imiriad



Category: End Roll (Video Game)
Genre: Age Difference, Child Abuse, Dubious Consent, M/M, Non-Penetrative Sex, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 08:26:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8482495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imiriad/pseuds/imiriad
Summary: It took Russell six days to realize that Kantera's fondness for him was something much greater, and one night to explore it.





	

Russell was used to the bitter-feeling gaze of people who _wanted_ something from him.

Whether it was his father, clamoring for beer or a punching bag, the fake-friendly teachers at his school, or even sometimes, the men his mother brought into their home. The doctor had wanted something, too, though Russell hadn't figured out what he was hoping to get, not until that last day.

In the dream, Kantera gazed at him differently than all of the above. Oh, there were certain familiar parts to it, but it was altogether less demanding and more gentle. Passive, unconditional.

Russell noticed it, analyzed it, and didn't understand it.

It wasn't until the day of the patrol, when Russell was still deciding who would be the best partner to accompany him. Kantera's high affinity for magic and useful abilities made him a wise choice, Russell told himself, even though Dogma had similar qualifications, and could hit harder using his sword. In the end, Russell knew that Kantera simply helped him be more at ease.

Kantera's eyes seemed to light up when Russell approached him about it. They faded just as quickly, after hearing that Russell was still considering his options. There was a twist to the corner of his mouth. “I see. This would be an excellent opportunity to become closer to a girl you like, you know.” The tone of his voice lightened, as though he was forcing himself to sound cheerful. “I'm rooting for you, Russell.”

When had Russell ever implied that he was interested in anyone, let alone one of the girls? It was easy to look through the past few days and confirm that he hadn't. Perhaps, if Russell hadn't visited the hospital the day before, Kantera's somewhat downtrodden expression would have meant nothing to him. Since he started this dream, it was becoming easier to recognize emotions that he'd missed before, both in others and within himself. All of a sudden, he had a name for what Kantera was trying to conceal: jealousy.

Russell heard it over and over again after he'd met Kantera—that he was fond of Russell, to the point of it being obvious to everyone who knew him. Was this part obvious to them, too? Somehow, Russell didn't think so.

“Doctor...” he said curiously. “You like me, don't you?”

“Hm?” Kantera's mood didn't change at the odd question. In a way, Russell found it impressive. “Of course I do, Russell. I treasure our brief moments spent drinking tea and traversing other towns. 'Tis most pleasant.”

Russell almost smiled. Even if some things about the doctor changed between this projection and the real world, Kantera remained just as evasive when he didn't want to answer something. Russell had found it comforting back then. He was so used to being given bald-faced lies that the doctor's light omissions were a breath of fresh air.

Deliveryuu, who had been listening to their conversation with mild interest nearby, suddenly decided it was best left without an audience. “Ahh, would you look at the time? I must be excused. I believe I have a check-up with young Tabasa.” With that, Deliveryuu made a quick exit.

There was brief and awkward silence as Kantera watched the dragon flutter out of the room. He and Russell knew that Tabasa made his rounds closer to noon, and that he was always gracious enough to give Deliveryuu a home visit. Still, Russell was thankful for the privacy, if only so that Kantera would feel more comfortable about being honest.

Russell had thrice over seen the results of buried affections and building jealousy—none of them good or satisfying for any of the involved parties. This time, Russell wouldn't take Kantera's carefully delivered answer. He wouldn't let things linger, unspoken and unsure to the very end.

“That's not what I mean. You _like_ me, don't you?”

Kantera's idle movement stopped and his eyes opened, focusing squarely onto Russell's face. Still, his voice carried its usual frivolity. “I'm not sure I understand.”

“...I like you, doctor.” The words spilled out of his mouth before Russell could take them back. It startled him to hear it spoken out loud, even more than Kantera looked to be, his gray eyes growing wide. Russell found himself reaching out for him, seeking some form of confirmation, and dragged Kantera down by the fold of his kimono.

Russell had only kissed one person in his life, and that experience had been more impulsive and tentative still. Kantera's lips bumped against his awkwardly as he tried to remember how it had felt, what he should do. Russell cupped Kantera's head just behind his ear, and clumsily licked into his mouth. The taste of ash and perfumed smoke was on Kantera's tongue—for a moment, before it vanished entirely, and Russell's hand was touching the smooth ivory of a horn instead of hair.

Russell pulled away in surprise, heart thumping in his chest. Things had shifted back and forth again, this time without him even realizing it. Kantera was staring at him with concern, so Russell blurted out what was on his mind. “You don't smoke, do you?”

It had to be the last question Kantera expected after sharing a sudden kiss. He blinked with confusion, but his posture relaxed as he answered. “I indulged in it, once upon a time. I quit after being told it was an unhealthy habit for someone claiming to be a doctor.” Kantera frowned thoughtfully, and murmured, “Ahh, I wonder who it was now...”

Russell knew the answer, but stayed silent.

After a moment, Kantera turned to him once more. “But, there's something more important to discuss than that, isn't there?” He wore a troubled expression, though Russell had the impression that it was hiding something else. “Kissing me in that manner... Is that truly how you feel, Russell?”

The Informant had offhandedly mentioned the ending of the dream, that whoever he chose for the patrol might have an impact on it. Those words stuck in Russell's head. The thought of this all coming to an end bothered Russell, but it would bother him even more if he allowed it to end without finishing anything.

So, Russell nodded.

If it were Tabasa, he would likely panic and reject him, telling Russell that he ought to reconsider and find someone closer to his age. If pressed, Tabasa might encourage him to at least wait until he'd gotten older, when he was more mature and experienced. Dogma would probably be too flustered to speak, and then, once he found his voice, launch into a lecture about the consequences of indulging in such a relationship.

But Kantera was different. Different from Tabasa, Dogma, and even the very doctor he'd taken form from—who had taken a long drag of his pipe, said, “I don't feel that would be wise, Russell. For myself especially,” and left things at that.

Instead, Kantera's lips curved into a half-smirk, and when he spoke, Russell could hear the self-derision in his voice. “I suppose it would be most prudent and responsible of me to refuse you. Yet... truthfully, I would like to kiss you again. You don't think less of me, do you?”

How could he? After all, this was Russell's world. Just as his guilt warped its very structure, his subconscious views and wishes had warped the townspeople. Tabasa acted like the older brother Russell dreamed up as a child. Mireille faithfully served her loved one, similar to the fantasy Russell had read about in her diary. And rather than wanting to use him or get something from him, here, what Kantera wanted was to support Russell, treat him preciously, and...

“...No,” Russell said. “I'd like that, too.”

Kantera wasted little time before acting on that desire. With a hand at Russell's jaw, he dipped down, pressing light kisses to his face. One below each eye, on the corners of his mouth, and finally, slow and gentle, to Russell's lips. It felt so strange that butterflies started to dance in Russell's stomach, though he didn't find that unpleasant either. Kantera brought Russell into his arms, the sleeves of his kimono covering his back like the wings of a bird. Russell pressed his ear to Kantera's chest, and listened for the sound of his heart.

Russell tried to think of the last time he'd been this close to another person. His mind slowly filled in the blank: two days after his 14th birthday, at Chris's place. The heater was broken and it had been particularly chilly, so Russell and Chris huddled together under the covers for warmth.

That night, Russell awoke to the sounds of someone crying. Chris's back trembled against his own. He was trying to keep as quiet as he could, but Russell had been able to make out his voice anyway.

He was sobbing Gardenia's name.

In the morning, Russell pretended he hadn't witnessed a thing, and never visited Chris's house again.

The sobering thought made his body tense up. It hadn't gone unnoticed; Kantera was giving him a worried frown once more. “Is something the matter, Russell? I understand if you're having second thoughts...”

Russell shook his head, and wrapped his arms around Kantera's waist.

No requests for elaboration came. When Kantera did speak again, it was on another subject. “Ah... I nearly forgot. Would you like to come to the festival with me, today? It will surely be fun... and with luck, get your mind onto better things.”

Russell silently enjoyed the hum of Kantera's voice, reverberating against his body. “...Sounds good.”

Before the festival, the closest thing to a date Russell had ever experienced was a day at the aquarium with an unexpected companion. And though Kantera hadn't called it one, Russell felt oddly confident in thinking so.

Russell wondered if it looked that way to the other people at the festival—two young men, one much more so, perusing the stalls with their hands linked together. Or was there some other explanation they decided on? A friendly neighbor minding his young charge? Family?

They sat on a bench at the shore and shared a carton of yakisoba, idly watching the sky turn colors. It was time to return for the patrol before they knew it.

“'Tis a shame we won't be able to enjoy the bonfire,” Kantera sighed. “Next year, perhaps?”

Russell said nothing, and held Kantera's hand a little tighter.

-

Though Russell hadn't expected the patrol to go smoothly, the battle with the Toxic One left him more drained than any other. He felt... shaken, as much as he didn't want to admit it. A part of him was relieved that he'd been able to protect Yumi, and defeated the twisted specter of his shitty dad. The more reasonable part knew that they were both already dead, and that there was little point to his efforts. Russell found himself wanting to ignore it more and more as time passed.

What worried him more than that, however, was the expedition into the monster's nest that would come tomorrow morning.

“Oh? Still here, I see.” Kantera's voice snapped Russell out of his daze. He looked up from the tea Mireille had given him earlier. She tried to usher him further inside, but Russell felt more comfortable hovering in the foyer, hearing the muffled conversation without being able to make out the words. Despite her thoughtfulness, Russell hadn't taken a single sip from his cup.

Kantera gave him a smile. “Had I known you would insist on waiting here, I would have tried to conclude our discussion a bit sooner...”

Russell set the cup on the nearest table, and followed Kantera out the door.

Kantera had escorted him home at first, encouraging him to get some rest. But when Russell's fingers caught his sleeve, silently asking him not to leave, Kantera quickly caved. He told Russell that he could spend the night in his shop and that he would return there soon enough. Russell followed him to the mayor's house anyway.

With a deep inhale of the night air, Kantera linked their arms together. Russell fell into step beside him. “Ahh, 'tis stupendous, is it not?” Kantera said with delight. “Taking a leisurely stroll in the evening, especially now that the monster is gone.”

Russell simply nodded. Kantera was a slow walker, even more so after dark, when his eyes rose to the stars. Russell could see the moon beyond the cloud cover. To him, it looked like one large, observing eyeball. The doctor, too, had loved watching the night sky. On an evening like this, he would sit by the back window and talk about how his sake tasted better when he was watching the full moon. He called it... “Sukimi?” Russell mumbled under his breath.

“Tsukimi?” Kantera corrected softly. “You continue to surprise me, young one.”

The praise made that odd feeling stir in Russell's stomach again. It was similar to when the policewoman grinned at him and patted his head, yet another night she found him wandering around the town. He'd stopped, for her sake, but it hadn't changed a thing.

Shrugging, he said, “I read a lot.”

Kantera pulled him closer to his side, and looked up at the moon. “Tonight would be an excellent night for a drink.”

“...I could use a little sake,” Russell admitted. Kantera chuckled and took him inside.

Russell had only been half-serious. He didn't expect Kantera to set two small, bowl-like cups onto the side table instead of his usual tea cups. The moon wasn't visible from inside the shop, but Kantera didn't seem to be concerned with that, as he glided to retrieve a bottle of rice wine from the shelf. That served Russell just fine. It was better not to have it staring at him.

Kantera filled their cups at an unhurried pace. "As delightful as it would be to indulge until the sun rises, tomorrow shall be a long day... and you need some well-deserved rest. But perhaps, a brief relaxation is necessary. Drink and make merry, as they say?" He smiled, and raised his cup in toast.

Russell raised his in kind, and took a long sip. It was smoother than he remembered, making it even more pleasant on his tongue. It had been a long time since he had any sort of alcohol before today—it was an extravagance death row prisoners weren't afforded, and Russell was underage besides. Not that it had ever really got in the way before. He'd taken numerous courtesy swigs of the sharp liquor some kids passed around between classes, or, on days where the doctor was particularly gloomy, the crisp rice wine he offered to share with Russell.

He and Kantera drank in silence. That was one thing Russell had always liked about the doctor. He never pressed him about things, listened without judgment, and made Russell feel as though he could tell him anything.

So he had.

Russell told him things he'd never told anyone else. About the murders, about school and his peers. The way his father used to force him to chug beer in front of his friends for laughs, when he was much younger. His dad had grown bored of it once Russell grew accustomed to the buzz, but the taste and smell of beer still turned Russell's stomach. He told him how his mother was always bringing men into the house, that sometimes she wanted him to watch, as if having a witness to her debauchery made it that much more potent.

He even confessed how he fantasized about killing them, though at the time, he thought he could never go through with it. When asked why not, Russell hadn't been able to give a straight answer. Maybe it was because he was scared not to have somewhere he could come back to, even if it was hell. The doctor smiled, and told him he was always welcome there.

It hurt when he had gone. Russell could recognize that much now.

Kantera filled their cups a second time, and stood to replace the bottle in the cabinet. "While I'm sure you can handle another helping, any more and I feel I might wake up with a headache myself. I'll need to be in my tip-top condition if I am to accompany you tomorrow."

While Russell doubted Kantera's tolerance was that low, they both did have a drink at the festival before. Russell decided to trust his judgment, and nursed his cup slowly. Even the gentle buzz from the alcohol wasn't able to excise his lingering dread, however. He didn't know exactly what would be waiting for them in the monster's nest... but he had a good idea. Either way, it was certain to be more painful than today's events.

Russell didn't realize he was shaking until Kantera took a seat beside him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"Calm yourself." Kantera cupped his cheek, and met his gaze with a reassuring smile. "No matter how far we have to venture... or what we come across, we all shall be by your side if you will have us. Each one of us in this town cares for you deeply. And we are happy to assist you in whatever you ask of us."

Russell's chest tightened whenever one of them said something like that. He turned to embrace Kantera fully, hoping the contact would help to ease the pain away, if only a little. He didn't know what surprised him more: that such a thought had crossed his mind, or that it actually worked. Kantera's warmth bled into him, and he pressed a kiss to the top of Russell's head.

Perhaps it was the alcohol, finally affecting him. Maybe it was the way he ended up feeling new things at the end of each day. The longer Kantera held him, the more aware of him Russell became, until he was focusing on every point their bodies intersected. Kantera's thigh pressing lightly against his knee, his breath warm on his hair, his heartbeat a steady thump that lulled Russell halfway to comfort.

“Doctor.” It surprised Russell to hear how wispy his voice came out. It seemed to catch Kantera off-guard, too, since he quickly pulled back to look at him. “...I think I want you to touch me.”

Kantera blinked slowly, twice, stunned into silence. Then his mouth widened as he stifled a laugh. “That wasn't the first request I was expecting after that.” Russell frowned, unsure if he was supposed to take that as a refusal. “Very well, Russell,” Kantera told him. “I would be happy to. How would you like me to touch you?”

Russell had to think about it for a moment. “Just... all over,” he said, “please.”

When Kantera's hands crept up his stomach, sliding against his chest, Russell wondered how easily he could feel his pulse quickening. His lips touched the shell of Russell's ear, as carefully massaged his shoulders. Then, using a tiny bit of pressure, Kantera raked his nails down over the front of Russell's vest.

Russell shuddered and pushed his face into the crook of Kantera's throat, finding that he immediately needed to amend his previous answer. “Less clothes.”

He could hear Kantera swallow, and his voice was breathy as he spoke. “Perhaps we should take this elsewhere?” It was obvious what he meant by elsewhere. Russell nodded.

The only discomfort Russell had was due to the rush of unsureness, excitement pumping through his veins. He figured that Kantera had to be experiencing something similar, but his idle movements seemed more sluggish than usual. Russell patiently waited as Kantera cleared the table, and beckoned him to follow up the stairs.

Kantera's bedroom was similar to the one Russell had spent passing moments in, but it was larger, and less cluttered altogether. Kantera unfurled two futons beside each other. Unlike the doctor's home, there was still plenty of space to move around afterward.

Cautiously, as if expecting Russell to object at any moment, Kantera untied his thin belt, and shrugged off his outerwear. Russell couldn't help but watch; the long kimono slid off Kantera's shoulders onto the floor, and his undershirt quickly followed suit, leaving only a pair of slim, formfitting boxers. Even though they had shared a number of baths on the resort island, it was still strange to see the doctor without his clothes. He was much slimmer than he first appeared, and his skin was pale white, a sharp contrast from his usual form, draped in dark colors.

Kantera took a seat on the futon and tilted his head, tentatively urging Russell to join him. Russell shimmied out of his pants and dropped to his knees beside him. He'd left on his shirt, less out of shyness than impatience—undoing all of those buttons while Kantera waited for him seemed like it would be torture.

Russell carefully laid his palm against Kantera's chest, and nearly gasped at how feverish he felt. A Draken attribute? Or was Russell _that_ unused to another person's body heat?

“I won't do anything you dislike,” Kantera said. Rather than trying to reassure him, Russell thought it might be Kantera giving himself a reminder. The notion was... a little thrilling.

Russell nodded, drawing his hand across Kantera's torso. In response, Kantera set his hands on his thighs. Russell caught a glimpse of his forearms as he reached out, and scooped up Kantera's arm to take a closer look. Slowly, he brought it to his mouth and kissed at underside of Kantera's wrist.

It was blessedly blank, free from any blemish, bruise or scar.

The doctor he remembered hadn't been so lucky.

Though Kantera didn't seem to understand what had propelled Russell's action, he moved in, nuzzling Russell's neck. Russell closed his eyes as Kantera's lips brushed his skin, tilting his head back.

When the kisses at his throat turned into warm and wet licks, Russell could help but let out a noise of surprise. He grabbed Kantera's horns, pulling him away from his neck. Just as Kantera's mouth fell open to ask if he wanted him to stop, Russell caught it in a kiss. He had a better idea of what to do this time, and licked at the inside of Kantera's lips. No smoky remnants of the past crossed his tongue, just the taste of icy, fresh mint, and a hint of sake. Russell breathed in through his nose, trying to sustain the contact a little longer—but that went out the window once Kantera kissed back.

It was different than the light, chaste kisses Kantera had given him before. Kantera eagerly sucked at his mouth, nipping slightly. His fingers kneaded the soft skin of Russell's hip as he dragged him deeper into the kiss, drawing a moan in Russell's throat to the surface. Russell had to gasp for air when Kantera finally moved back, a new ache rising in his body.

“Was I too eager?” Kantera asked quietly, looking just as affected by the intense kiss. Still panting, Russell hooked Kantera's neck and rocked against him, trying to mimic his movements from before. His teeth scraped Kantera's bottom lip as he turned his head to the right, one hand weaving into the hair at the nape of his neck. Yet, as delightful and distracting as kissing was, Russell was even more restless. He leaned backwards, giving control of the kiss back over, letting Kantera ease him onto his back.

“Still comfortable?” Kantera's coolly checked in. Russell answered him by fumbling at the buttons of his shirt, until Kantera reached down to help. His mouth followed afterward, sucking on Russell's chest as he pulled back the fabric bit by bit. By the time Kantera lapped at his navel, Russell realized—rather belatedly—that all of the earlier pressure was focused in a particular part of his body. He could actually make out the bulge in his underwear when he looked down, so Kantera must have noticed it far sooner than he did.

“...Here, as well?” Kantera asked, thumb skating down the crease of Russell's thigh, just barely nudging the edge of his erection. By now, Russell was sure he had to be doing this on purpose. He nodded his head, wiggling his hips back and forth.

Kantera lodged his fingers into Russell's underwear, peeling it back. Whether he was taking his time out of enjoyment or solely to bother Russell, he couldn't be sure, but he certainly succeeded in the latter. Kantera dragged them down his legs, and dropped them onto the edge of the mattress.

Though it brought a certain level of exposure he had never felt before, Russell found that it didn't bother him. He'd already revealed so much to the doctor that he'd never shown anyone else, after all. Compared to that, baring his body didn't seem nearly as embarrassing.

However, there was an unfamiliar look on Kantera's face as he took in Russell fully. He inhaled deeply, quiet until his eyes rested on Russell's. As though admiring something far more compelling than Russell, he murmured, “You are... truly adorable, Russell.”

“Huh...?” The comment was so off-putting that it was all Russell could give in response. Of course, other people had called him similar things before—it was usually annoying or tiresome or deeply unpleasant. Yet, hearing it from Kantera, and so affectionately... Russell could feel his cheeks growing warm.

Kantera chuckled as he saw it, and bent down to kiss his stomach. “Very, very adorable.” He continued to move, delivering feathery touches to Russell's newly revealed skin, but never quite coming close enough to his erection. When Kantera moved to the opposite hip, his breath practically caressed the sensitive skin.

Russell let out a small, anguished sound. “You've got... bad taste, doctor...”

“Anyone would agree,” Kantera insisted, “if they saw the one they fancied making such a cute face.”

Russell couldn't see his face, nor could he imagine what kind of odd expression he was making for that to be true. It didn't actually matter either way, because Russell was far more preoccupied with the part where Kantera said he _fancied_ him. _Really bad taste then_ , Russell thought, not unhappily.

One of Kantera's hands slipped from Russell's waist to the futon, and it seemed like he might move away again. Russell had already endured so much of Kantera's teasing that he wasn't sure he could take anymore. He raised his hips and twisted his legs together behind Kantera's neck, trapping his head between his thighs.

“Didn't I say that I wanted you to touch me?” Russell kept his voice low, so Kantera would realize how serious he was.

That seriousness quickly broke apart the instant Kantera moved his head, and pressed his lips exactly where Russell wanted them. It was mind-blowing how a gentle touch could feel so differently depending on where it was directed. Kantera's tongue peeked out, painting a short line up his cock. That alone was enough to make Russell's hips quiver and his legs tighten around Kantera, begging him to continue.

True to his earlier words, Kantera was happy to obey Russell's request. His tongue swept around the tip, once, twice, and before Russell could even realize what the inevitable conclusion was, Kantera parted his lips and took Russell into his mouth.

Russell gasped, a jolt traveling up his spine from how hot and wet it was. His hips dropped back to the mattress, and he buried his hands into Kantera's hair. When Kantera sucked lightly at the head of his cock, Russell started to shake. His body jerked upward, into the overpowering sensation. Russell honestly didn't have anything accurate to compare it to—while it almost hurt, it was warmer and softer than pain, and twice as intense.

He didn't mean to pull, but his fingers twisted in Kantera's hair as if on their own cognizance, and the only noises that Russell could make didn't sound like words at all. His mind was a jumble as Kantera sunk down further, then raised his mouth to the crown. Russell's back arched. Kantera repeated it, over and over again, bobbing his head, and Russell swore he could see white stars in his peripheral vision.

Something was piling up, knotting in his stomach until he couldn't bear it any longer, and Russell didn't know what it was. His body ached for it, and it was nearly upon him when he noticed the apprehension growing right next to the excitement. “S-stop,” Russell whimpered.

Kantera quickly did, withdrawing as far as he could with Russell still coiled around him. Russell's head spun as he caught his breath.

“Are you alright, Russell?” Kantera was making that expression again, the one the doctor always wore when he thought for too long. Russell finally figured out that it was guilt.

Russell took a few more deep breaths, trying to gather himself. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “It felt fine. It's just... weird.” He frowned, trying to pinpoint what it was that made him feel so uncomfortable. “I don't know.”

“Too much at once, perhaps?” Even in a situation like this, Kantera seemed to be in no hurry. “Would you like to stop?”

Russell mulled over those questions. The electricity flowing through him was still there, though it had receded to a manageable level. When he saw Kantera lying at his feet, trying to treat him sweetly, there was a pleasant, jittery excitement. He definitely liked the thought of Kantera continuing where he left off, touching him more, intimately, in ways he'd never considered before this moment.

But, when Kantera touched him like this, it felt incredibly...

Russell's frown deepened. His brow furrowed. He lay back, looking up at the ceiling of Kantera's bedroom. Even though the curtains were closed, the moon was still staring at him. The signs all over town were twisted and broken. Shadows cackled as he passed, chasing him in the dark. The forest was corrupted, toxic, and tomorrow, things would get worse still.

It was all because of him.

His legs dropped from around Kantera, and he let out a long sigh. “Is it really okay,” Russell mumbled, “for me to feel this good?”

Before he knew it, Kantera's face was over his. He bumped their foreheads together, his thumb brushing Russell's cheek. “And how should I take those words?”

Of course, Russell couldn't say the truth. That everything was fake, that he had killed him before, and all of this was merely an experimental, drug-induced dream. Unsure what to tell him, Russell simply shrugged his shoulders.

“The day you arrived in our town, you kept to yourself, and concealed all of your feelings. Slowly, however, you grew closer to each of us. Russell... you're a very kind boy, aren't you? That's why you feel as though you deserve to be punished for your past actions.” Kantera gave him the same gentle smile that Russell had always took refuge in.

The urge to confess everything no matter the consequence was almost overwhelming. Instead, Russell lowered his eyes. “I've done things I shouldn't be... forgiven for...”

Kantera moved to the left, leaving a kiss on Russell's cheek. “Even so, there are those that care for you. If you think you ought to be punished for what you've done... then surely, you ought to recognize the other feelings you've inspired along your path.”

Russell wondered if the doctor would still be alive, had Russell told him something like that.

Somehow, he didn't think so.

But Kantera inspired far more confidence than him, and Russell wanted have faith in his words, even if they were farfetched. “No matter what you've done, I will accept you,” Kantera said. It soothed as much as it burned. “I wish for you to be happy, and to enjoy yourself as much as possible. If you think that's wrong, then perhaps I ought to be punished as well?”

“No,” Russell said firmly. The doctor had already faced his punishment, long ago.

The sinking feeling in his stomach was dissipating, coaxed away by Kantera's claims, even as Russell was still considering their meaning. Maybe... Russell had been too preoccupied with the things that people wanted from him, and the things he wanted to have, and everything he wanted to get rid of. Maybe, he'd never thought about what he wanted to give.

Russell ran his hands down Kantera's sides, pausing when he felt the fabric of his underwear. He'd exposed the most intimate parts of himself to Kantera, but... even though the doctor said he could tell him anything, he'd always been holding back. More than ever before, Russell was frustrated by that. He pinched at the waistband of Kantera's underwear, as if it was somehow responsible, and asked, “Can I touch you, instead?”

Kantera's brows rose at the request. “Are you sure?” Russell nodded, satisfied once Kantera removed the last piece of clothing. It wasn't any surprise that he was hard, but when his cock brushed Russell's thigh, a shock of delight ran through him.

Russell swallowed, noisily, and reached out to hold it in the palm of his hand. The sound that Kantera made in response caused another shock, even better than the last, to crawl up his spine. There were a lot of things Russell couldn't be sure about—but he definitely wanted Kantera to make that sound again and to be the one to make him do it.

“I... think I like this, doctor,” Russell admitted, sheepishly.

“I'm pleased to hear that.” Kantera's voice was heavy, strained as he spoke. Russell had never heard it like that before. Russell curled his fingers tighter around his length, and pumped it in his fist. Kantera bucked forward into it, then chuckled, whispering, “It's been... an awfully long time,” against Russell's temple, as if apologizing for his obvious enthusiasm. Russell thought it was just fine. More than fine, really.

Russell focused on the feeling of it, thick and firm, warmer than Kantera's mouth had felt. He swiped over the head with his thumb, finding a spot of precome oozing from the tip. Russell's earlier reservations had calmed somewhat—perhaps due Kantera's closeness, and the knowledge that he was giving the same intense touches that had made him fall apart so quickly

Russell turned his head, watching Kantera's face closely. Kantera's eyes were clenched shut, twitching with every twist and movement of Russell's hand. The smile had long faded from his mouth, his bottom lip held between his teeth in a show of restraint. Kantera sucked in a ragged breath, and his red eyes cracked open to meet his.

“May I...?” he asked carefully, stroking at Russell's hip.

He didn't have to think about it for long. “Please,” Russell said, laying his hand over Kantera's. There was a certain level of comfort that came with knowing they were in this together, one that made his earlier fears manageable.

Kantera grasped his erection, so gently that Russell nearly groaned with frustration. Thankfully, once Kantera was assured that Russell didn't want him to stop, he rubbed with more force. Again, Russell discovered that his body didn't want to do what he was telling it—but he distantly realized that Kantera was in the same predicament. Kantera's fingers twitched on his waist, and he was swallowing over and over again, trying to restrain himself.

Before Russell realized it, his body felt feverish, and his heart was pounding in his chest. Unlike before, where he couldn't think of anything beyond the pleasure Kantera was giving him, Russell had too much to focus on now. Kantera's lips against his. Their breath melding together. Bodies, grinding. The way Kantera was touching him, and the heavy weight of Kantera in his hand, throbbing harder than ever.

Kantera awkwardly jerked into his movements, breaking away from the kiss to let out a quiet moan. It was the first one like that Russell had heard. Russell stroked him faster, his hand gliding over his cock, setting more of those soft noises free. As if in retaliation, Kantera squeezed Russell a little tighter, making pleasure radiate through his entire body.

It was too much. The crest Russell backed away from before was back, and it mounted even higher. There was a little whine in the back of his throat, but Kantera kissed him deeply, swallowing it before it could cause a sound. Though Russell hadn't cried in a long time, he nearly sobbed with relief when his orgasm finally struck him.

All his tension—tension that had been gathering far longer than the hour he and Kantera had spent in each other's close company—burst out, sending a thick string of come onto his stomach. Kantera's shallow breath and his soft groan of, “Russell,” signaled that he had reached the same end. Russell only regretted being too distracted to see the expression Kantera made at the time, though he could still feel it. Kantera gasping, cock pulsing, spilling semen onto his fingers.

Russell let out the breath he was holding. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, then wrapped his arms around Kantera's back. Kantera's chest heaved against his, as they panted in the aftermath. Kantera nudged Russell's shoulder with his chin, and nuzzled against him.

It took a little longer before Russell's thoughts came back to him in whole threads instead of bits and pieces.

He wasn't sure what you were supposed to say after doing something like that, so Russell just said what he felt was most appropriate. “...Thank you, doctor.” Russell never thought something like that could have a mind-clearing effect. He was exhausted in a uniquely different way than normal, but he did feel as thought some sort of weight had lifted off him.

“I've done nothing worthy of praise,” Kantera was quick to say. Without the veil of arousal shrouding his face, Russell could make out a little bit of self-blame. “I must admit... A good share of what I've done was due to my own desires. I am hardly a saint.”

Russell didn't agree with him entirely. Even when the doctor had killed, it was out of mercy and desperation. After succeeding, he had been tormented by it for years afterward. He was... a fundamentally different existence from someone like Russell. At least, that's how Russell thought back on it before. Now, he wasn't sure.

Maybe, he'd gotten a little closer to understanding how the doctor had felt.

“It helped,” was all Russell told him.

Kantera seemed stunned to silence for a moment, then he laughed lightly. When he replied, all traces of guilt were gone. “I'm very glad, then.”

As much as he wanted to enjoy the moment in its entirety, free of external influences, Russell couldn't help but recall the excursion planned for tomorrow once more. If things were ending... then he'd have to face everything. The truth of who he was, and everything he'd done.

Kantera had told him they would always be there for him... but that wasn't necessarily so. The dream was crumbling before his eyes, and Russell didn't know what would go next. One day, he knew, it would be him alone in a warped, dangerous world, with no one to aid him but the dead.

Russell tried to push it out of his head. He asked Kantera to tell him again the things from before. That he was loved, precious, and that Kantera sincerely wanted him to be happy.

Maybe if Russell heard him repeat it enough, he would start to believe it.


End file.
